Monday, May 4, 2009

The Doctor

On Thursday, I woke up covered with red itchy spots. No, it wasn't swine flu. I called my family doctor. They had no appointments available for that day. Someone was supposed to call me back. They did call back and I got an appointment for 4:30pm. I used some cortisone cream and spent the entire day scratching like crazy.

At 4:30 a nurse walks me to the exam room. She takes my weight (why are the doctors' scales always wrong?!) and blood pressure. She asks why I'm there. I start scratching again and showed her my legs. She cringed and tried to smile. She typed something into the computer. I think she wrote, "Patient has bad case of leprosy and probably swine flu. Very gross."

Then she asked, "Would you like a pap smear with that?"

What?! Is this like at McDonald's? I'll take a test for my rash, and a pap smear to go. Uh... "No, thanks."

The nurse continued, "How about a tetanus shot?"


"So just the rash?"


"Just"????? Just?! Maybe she didn't get a good enough look earlier.

A few minutes later the doctor doesn't come in. A resident came in. He took a look at the rash and said it's hives. I've never had hives before. I had no idea. It could be an allergic reaction. I had nothing new in the last day or two. So he suggested that maybe I'm now allergic to something I wasn't allergic to before. Great. Or sometimes stress can cause hives. So now I'm stressed that I might get stressed and get hives again. And about 50% of hives cases never find the cause. Even better. I can stay paranoid that I'll get hives again. Then the resident says something that surprises me, "Is there anything else I can do for you today?"

"Uh... No." As in NO pap smear or tetanus shots! Just get my skin back to normal! Why is everyone surprised that I only want normal, hive-free skin?!

The resident calls for the doctor and they talk about me like I'm not there. "32 year old female with hives who doesn't want a pap smear or a tetanus shot is complaining like a baby about itching from head to toe and may have swine flu."

"Excuse me. Hello! 32 year old female right here and still itchy."

Ok, so maybe I didn't say that. I took my prescription, went home and borrowed my son's eczema cream. Then I slept until Saturday. Friday is just a blur. I'm not even 100% sure it ever happened. My husband complained about having to deal with 2 baseball practices in one afternoon and then get dinner. That's my routine. But I don't remember any of it.

I'm all better now. Paranoid that the hives may return, but currently hive free. And no, I still don't want a pap smear or tetanus shot.


bernthis said...

i didn't know that Wal Mart had a walk in clinic. I have to admit, I laughed. It is pretty funny even though you were so itchy. Glad you're doing better

carsick said...

Hi, thanks for stopping by.
You make having hives very funny and as someone who has had hives I know it's not funny! Your writing is awesome!

The Dental Maven said...

I think I'll start asking my dental patients if they want anything else while they're here.

Elizabeth said...

A PAP SMEAR??? Are they NUTS?
No One EVER wants a pap smear, let alone when you came in for something else!
Relax, don't worry, try not to be scratchy!

A Buns Life said...

How about now? :)

A Buns Life said...

How about now? :)

girlytwins said...

Yes please. As if I am not uncomfortable enough with these hives I would love to have my who ha examined and a painful tetanus shot that will cause your arm to ache for the next week.

On the bright side I got a huge laugh out of this. Happy to hear you are feeling better :)

Mama Zen said...

No on the pap smear, but could I get the two for one boob job?

What next?

Michelle said...

I think you are hilarious!

Glad the hives are gone.

Michelle said...

My doctor keeps asking me the same things whenever I go in. Apparently it's a new protocol :)

And the hives... not fun. Gotta love when mysterious things like that show up. I hope you find the cause someday. Or maybe I hope you don't because they never come back. Hmm.