The Doctor

On Thursday, I woke up covered with red itchy spots. No, it wasn't swine flu. I called my family doctor. They had no appointments available for that day. Someone was supposed to call me back. They did call back and I got an appointment for 4:30pm. I used some cortisone cream and spent the entire day scratching like crazy.

At 4:30 a nurse walks me to the exam room. She takes my weight (why are the doctors' scales always wrong?!) and blood pressure. She asks why I'm there. I start scratching again and showed her my legs. She cringed and tried to smile. She typed something into the computer. I think she wrote, "Patient has bad case of leprosy and probably swine flu. Very gross."

Then she asked, "Would you like a pap smear with that?"

What?! Is this like at McDonald's? I'll take a test for my rash, and a pap smear to go. Uh... "No, thanks."

The nurse continued, "How about a tetanus shot?"

"No."

"So just the rash?"

"Yes."

"Just"????? Just?! Maybe she didn't get a good enough look earlier.

A few minutes later the doctor doesn't come in. A resident came in. He took a look at the rash and said it's hives. I've never had hives before. I had no idea. It could be an allergic reaction. I had nothing new in the last day or two. So he suggested that maybe I'm now allergic to something I wasn't allergic to before. Great. Or sometimes stress can cause hives. So now I'm stressed that I might get stressed and get hives again. And about 50% of hives cases never find the cause. Even better. I can stay paranoid that I'll get hives again. Then the resident says something that surprises me, "Is there anything else I can do for you today?"

"Uh... No." As in NO pap smear or tetanus shots! Just get my skin back to normal! Why is everyone surprised that I only want normal, hive-free skin?!

The resident calls for the doctor and they talk about me like I'm not there. "32 year old female with hives who doesn't want a pap smear or a tetanus shot is complaining like a baby about itching from head to toe and may have swine flu."

"Excuse me. Hello! 32 year old female right here and still itchy."

Ok, so maybe I didn't say that. I took my prescription, went home and borrowed my son's eczema cream. Then I slept until Saturday. Friday is just a blur. I'm not even 100% sure it ever happened. My husband complained about having to deal with 2 baseball practices in one afternoon and then get dinner. That's my routine. But I don't remember any of it.

I'm all better now. Paranoid that the hives may return, but currently hive free. And no, I still don't want a pap smear or tetanus shot.